June is Pride month in the United States, which brings with it a torrent of berainbowed tat and poorly considered messages of support from our predatory capitalist system. Corporations don’t care about queer people, and even the ones that pretend to use this intimated support to garner financial liquidity from LGBT consumers. So like any celebratory moment in this country, all meaning is filtered through profitability.

Americans are the used car salesmen of the world. If it can be flipped, altered, and turned into capital it will be, regardless of value or sentimentality.

And seeing as I am a life-long participant in this system (despite my leftist ideation), I’d like to offer a few ways you could directly support LGBT people this June, chiefly, me. I embody at least 2 letters in our ever-expanding chain of representation and as such can provide value to the cis/het burdened with guilt and cash.

Services I provide

$2 - I will acknowledge your allyship at a time most convenient for me. You paid $2 for the privilege, you can’t expect me to support you on command.
$5 - Withering look cast at the cis/het person of your choosing.
$10 - Withering look cast at anyone, with the benefit of a haughty chuckle and/or tongue click.
$15 - I will make mention of your allyship online. $3 fee if this requires me to engage in a Facebook conversation.
$20 - I will provide photographic proof you know a queer person.
$25 - Your mother/father/relative of your choosing now knows a queer person.
$50 - I will suggest to other queer people you’re acceptable.
$75 - I will attend a party/function and read the person you most dislike.
$100 - All inclusive package of photographic evidence of your allyship, I will also attend a function of your choosing. 3 withering looks are included in this offer and for an additional $30 I will also read someone you dislike in person, online, or in writing. Pay $150 and I’ll include their likeness in an unpleasant short story.
$1000 - I will compliment your wardrobe, in public, no matter how heinous, and laugh at exactly one joke. If no joke is available, I will recommend your podcast/YouTube channel.

None of these services are refundable, and I am not to be held responsible for whatever Jeanine thinks about my turn of phrase.

Oppressive sacks of fat don’t remove themselves, you know, so why not hire me to validate your support of LGBTQIA people? It’s certainly better than giving any company with a mirky history of labor abuses and rampant profiteering a pass simply because they did the absolute least one month a year.