No need to worry about me if that title alarms you. Well, you should probably worry a bit, but know I am safe and somewhat sound as I sit hunched over this laptop. Two weeks ago, I was less sure that I’d ever be able to call my self sound again.
You might have noticed the abrupt end to this site’s activity after my mac and cheese recipe. From around that time to the calamitous culmination on January 21st, I’ve been wrestling with a pathetically fragile sack of bile beneath my liver. The gallbladder.
On the 21st I wallowed in agony for hours as I tried to rationalize the unending, piercing pain converging in my abdomen. Knives beneath my ribs from back to front twisted and burned through the night until I mustered the strength to plead with my wife to take me to an emergency room. I feared the worst, I assumed I was dying, my vital organs were failing me, all before I could properly realize myself, my life, my aspirations. I accept the melodramatic shreds of my soul but wish they were not quite so apparent when I’m verging on hysteria.
After a few hours in the ER, doctors burst the hammy bubble I’d trapped myself in with the news my easily removed gallbladder was the culprit, that the pain I was experiencing is intense but not overly life-threatening if the offending organ is removed. So, after dwelling on every facet of my life unfulfilled and wallowing in pain for hours, I was discharged with five low dose hydrocodone and the advice to speak to a surgeon.
I am alright but simultaneously not alright. Gallbladder trouble is a family curse, one I’ll take over the lurking horror of stroke and cancer that are forever on my mind after my father’s stroke last year and various bouts of cancer experienced throughout my family tree. I’m 30 and the overly dramatic hypochondriac I’ve tried to deny is whelming.
Of course the entire time I was in the observation room I was telling my wife that I was fine or nothing was all that bad despite her knowing full well I’ve never asked to be taken to an ER in my life and if I was in enough pain to demand it something was truly not right. I’m a terrible liar and should really not try lying when I’m groaning incessantly.
Since then, I’ve had occasional flare ups but have opted to correct my diet in manageable ways as not to tempt the stones rattling around in my gallbladder from inflaming bile ducts or stopping them up entirely. It’s a losing battle, I will have to have the thing removed eventually. Hopefully well before it’s gangrenous and disintegrating. That pleasant image was also in my mind while I rolled on the exam table as I reflected on how Andy Warhol died…. on an operating table with a gangrenous gallbladder and extensive abdominal trauma related to being shot years before. I’m no Warhol but I’ve always joked of meeting an artist’s end. You can read more about the horrifying circumstances of Warhol’s health here.
So that’s why I’ve not been around. It’s a much better excuse than forgetting or losing interest like I normally do. Part of what’s helping me regain focus on this site is accepting that this is a public diary I’d like for anyone to take interest in. I’d like to monetize my interests but I have too much respect for myself to be professionally bored on Instagram. So I am unprofessionally tedious.
I’ve decided to view this as a diary so I’m less pent up about writing. I’m contending with emotional baggage left over from my brief stint as a paid journalist and I think I’m closer to breaking free of the idea that I’m talentless and disposable. Or, I’ve accepted that some may see me as talentless and disposable but that shouldn’t stop me doing what I’m interested in. And if what I’m interested in is fawning over Jean Lorrain and being ridiculous, well I’ll continue to do that regardless of its marketability.
Speaking of Lorrain, I’ve just finished a collection of conte cruel translated by Brian Stableford titled Masks in the Tapestry (as seen in the header above). Lorrain, as Stableford puts it, was a master of the conte cruel or short stories (not necessarily supernatural) with cruel twists. Many of Lorrain’s are fantasy and horror focused in that wispy, ethereal terror-flecked style of many decadent authors. Stableford has also translated a great deal of his other short fiction and I will be forever impressed with the man’s insane workload. How he can write original work and translate forgotten gems of the French decadent movement simultaneously is beyond me.
Maybe decades from now as the seas boil and the machine stops I’ll be able to focus on work like this. For now I’m going to indulge in Stableford’s translations and worry about shelf space to store them all. Here are a couple of the other Lorrain collections I’m working through right now.
Life’s pretty much the same post-medical situation but I am on the hook for a large ER bill and the inevitable surgery. You may have noticed the Patreon link in the navigation bar above. Most of my desire to make money at all from anything I do is focused on affording medical treatment, whether it is this most recent fiasco or ongoing things like HRT and dentistry. If you like anything I do, and I freely admit I haven’t done much to earn financial support, please consider dropping a dollar or two my way. I also have a ko-fi account where my ER bill is the current goal.
Patreon: patreon.com/luciferslarder
Ko-Fi: ko-fi.com/hadrianflyte
Thank you if you donate or even think about donating. I’m doing this largely on my own so I know this site looks haphazard and my schedule is infrequent. Focusing on the diary aspect may be helpful in the end. I definitely want to do more short fiction, reading all these miserable little stories inspired me to dabble in conte cruel as well. Maybe I’ll let you read those, too.
For now, things will slowly return to normal. I have a lot of hot sauce to talk about, despite the gentle medical advice to avoid severely spicy food, and a few other bits and bobs I want to talk about. Reconciling my tastes with my political beliefs is an interesting dilemma that’s left me wondering if I should write about the various serums and soaps I use.